It's a...

...very healthy and wiggly baby GIRL.

We had our anatomy scan on Tuesday and, I'll admit, it was a bit of a shock when we got a clear shot between the legs on the ultrasound. I was so certain it was a boy thanks to a combination of old wives tales (low heart rate, no morning sickness, carrying low, no acne, salty cravings, etc.), my OB's prediction, and a general intuition (lots of boy dreams and just a gut sense that I was having a boy). 

I just feel so disappointed and sad, and even cried on the car ride home from the doctor's office. I know that as soon as this baby is in my arms I will love her and forget all about this, but right now I feel like such an incredibly shitty, shallow person for feeling this way. In my mind, I was totally preparing to have a boy and now I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me. I know it's my own fault for putting so much weight on favoring one gender over the other, but I really truly thought this was going to be a boy. I almost feel worse about my reaction to everything, rather than the fact that she is a girl. I think about all the women struggling with infertility and loss who would kill to be having a healthy baby of ANY gender, and it almost makes me sick to my stomach for feeling the way I do. 

I can't help but feel a little less excited about this baby now. I hate 90% of all the girls clothes out there and know that I will end up getting so much pink, frilly shit as gifts that I will just want to toss in the trash. I dread telling people that it's a girl for fear that they'll immediately stereotype her as a little princess/sweetheart/diva. I also think back to my childhood and how much drama and angst I caused my parents, especially my poor mom, and I just don't know if I'm ready to deal with the roller coaster of girl hormones. To me, boys just seem like they would be much easier to parent, even though I know that's now always true.

I am glad that I still have the second half of pregnancy to process my feelings about this. I know that time will help, but right now it's still just a total shock and surprise.