22 weeks

I came down with a nasty cold last week and skipped my 21 week update, but I'm finally healthy and back to blogging!

how far along? 22 weeks

how big is baby? the size of a papaya

weight gain/loss? +8ish pounds

stretch marks? none

maternity clothes? I bought a few more maternity tops to add to my wardrobe

sleep? no complaints here

food cravings? avocados

symptoms? a sore tailbone - ouch

signs of labor? none

sex of baby? girl

movement? YES! I thought I felt a few muscle twitches throughout the day, and this evening when I laid down and put my hands on my stomach, I was able to definitely distinguish some gentle thumps. I've felt a few more each day since then, mostly after eating. It's such a relief to finally feel something!

belly button? still in, although it is getting shallower by the day

what I'm worrying about: figuring out maternity leave and the very real possibility that I won't be returning to work

what I'm loving: so many things to be thankful for - feeling movement, our kitchen remodel getting close to being done, and celebrating a wonderful first year of marriage (our anniversary is on Monday)

best moment this week? buying a glider and ottoman! I had been stalking Craigslist for weeks and was just about to give up hope of finding something that was both in good shape and in our price range, when I stumbled upon a one-year old Best Chairs upholstered glider with matching ottoman for only $200. Since John and I both had Monday off for President's Day, we immediately jumped in the pickup truck to go claim it. It's a lovely light green color (nice and neutral) and is incredibly comfortable. Score!

Midpoint musings

So, I'm now halfway through this pregnancy and have been thinking a lot about previous misconceptions and what I assumed things would be like right now.

1. I thought I would be huge. In my head, 20 weeks = a nice round bump [from breasts to hips] that is noticeable to strangers. Although I definitely have a bump, I am definitely not at the point where strangers congratulate me and touch my stomach. Also, I'm still carrying very low - entirely below my navel.

2. I thought I would feel kicks. Nope, nothing yet. Even though our kiddo is a squirmy worm on ultrasounds, I haven't felt a speck of movement so far.Thanks a lot, anterior placenta.

3. I thought I would feel a strong bond with my baby. It pains me to say this, but I don't feel much emotion toward this baby. I assumed that a pregnant woman would spend hours talking to her baby, touching her belly and gushing over how much she loves her unborn child, but this isn't me at all. I am incredibly thankful to be pregnant, especially after a previous loss, but I don't know if I can actually say that I love my baby quite yet. I hope that will change once I feel movement and definitely by the time she is born.

4. I thought I would be gung-ho about cloth diapering. Cloth diapering is all the rage on parenting message boards and I have a few friends who are doing it in real life and rave about how great it is, so I assumed that I should jump on the cloth diaper bandwagon as well. However, the more research I do (prefolds, fitteds, all-in-ones, snappis, diaper sprayers, wet bags - the works!) the more my head starts to spin. I'm just not sure that I can get jazzed about scraping poop and doing extra laundry, all while dealing with a newborn. I'm thinking that disposables might be the way to go for our family.

5. I thought I would hate being pregnant. I used to assume that pregnancy meant vomiting, constipation, mood swings, exhaustion, cramping, heartburn, bloating, and all the other miserable side-effects that you hear about in movies, television and books. However, I am pleasantly surprised at how smooth and relatively painless this experience has been so far. Most days I don't even feel pregnant. My symptoms have been mild, and I escaped the horror of morning sickness, thank goodness. I might change my tune once I'm 40 weeks along, but for now, I don't mind it one bit.

Pregnancy may not be exactly what I expected it to be, and that's okay.

20 weeks

how far along? 20 weeks - this kid is half baked!

how big is baby? the size of a banana

weight gain/loss? +7 pounds

stretch marks? none

maternity clothes? all maternity pants; no shirts yet, but I definitely can't fit into some of my non-maternity tops anymore

sleep? I'm sleeping well, but waking up some mornings with a numb hip from sleeping on my side

food cravings? milk...with a brownie on the side

symptoms? some round ligament pain and stretching; also I seem to have come down with a winter cold, so I've been coughing and sniffling plenty these days (unrelated to pregnancy, but still a pain in the ass)

signs of labor? none

sex of baby? girl

movement? still waiting to feel those first flutters

belly button? still in 

what I'm worrying about: still coping with my feelings of disappointment and sadness over finding out the gender. Everyday gets a little bit better emotionally and I even bought a few cute girl things (jammies from Hanna Andersson) to help me get excited about our little girl.

what I'm loving: John. He has been amazing this past week and so incredibly supportive of my emotional freakouts and meltdowns. We've had several really great talks and I feel so proud of our marriage and optimistic for the future.

best moment this week? buying some girl clothes; even though I still think that the majority of boy clothes are so much cuter than girl stuff, I did find a few pieces that I like (and don't make me want to vomit)

20 weeks

It's a...

...very healthy and wiggly baby GIRL.

We had our anatomy scan on Tuesday and, I'll admit, it was a bit of a shock when we got a clear shot between the legs on the ultrasound. I was so certain it was a boy thanks to a combination of old wives tales (low heart rate, no morning sickness, carrying low, no acne, salty cravings, etc.), my OB's prediction, and a general intuition (lots of boy dreams and just a gut sense that I was having a boy). 

I just feel so disappointed and sad, and even cried on the car ride home from the doctor's office. I know that as soon as this baby is in my arms I will love her and forget all about this, but right now I feel like such an incredibly shitty, shallow person for feeling this way. In my mind, I was totally preparing to have a boy and now I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me. I know it's my own fault for putting so much weight on favoring one gender over the other, but I really truly thought this was going to be a boy. I almost feel worse about my reaction to everything, rather than the fact that she is a girl. I think about all the women struggling with infertility and loss who would kill to be having a healthy baby of ANY gender, and it almost makes me sick to my stomach for feeling the way I do. 

I can't help but feel a little less excited about this baby now. I hate 90% of all the girls clothes out there and know that I will end up getting so much pink, frilly shit as gifts that I will just want to toss in the trash. I dread telling people that it's a girl for fear that they'll immediately stereotype her as a little princess/sweetheart/diva. I also think back to my childhood and how much drama and angst I caused my parents, especially my poor mom, and I just don't know if I'm ready to deal with the roller coaster of girl hormones. To me, boys just seem like they would be much easier to parent, even though I know that's now always true.

I am glad that I still have the second half of pregnancy to process my feelings about this. I know that time will help, but right now it's still just a total shock and surprise.

19 weeks

how far along? 19 weeks

how big is baby? the size of a mango

weight gain/loss? +5 pounds

stretch marks? none

maternity clothes? maternity pants are amazing

sleep? I have been sleeping so well; it's been really cold outside (below zero temps), so burrowing under the covers at night has been very comforting and warm

food cravings? fruit smoothies

symptoms? some round ligament pains and stretching

signs of labor? none

sex of baby? we find out on Tuesday!

movement? nothing yet...still [not very patiently] waiting...

belly button? still in 

what I'm worrying about: the size of my bump; I have a bad habit of blog-stalking and comparing myself to other people at similar weekly milestones. I feel like I am not showing as much as I should be for 19 weeks (and even feel smaller than I did last week), but hopefully I can get some reassurance from my OB at next week's appointment.

what I'm loving: feeling blessed and loved

best moment this week? buying a car seat! I had been price-stalking the Britax B-Safe for over a month and when the price finally dropped, I pulled the trigger! It arrived yesterday and is currently sitting in the room that will become our nursery.

19 weeks